The Candles
by big-guy
Summary: Kramer has an idea where you smell a candle, guess its scent, and win a prize. Elaine dates a candlemaker who has a grudge against Kramer and gives him tainted candles. George gets kicked out of his house, and Jerry dominates his girlfriend.


The Candles

The Candles

2

**Act 1: Tom's Diner**

_Jerry, George and Elaine are eating._

_Elaine_

You know, it's kind of weird I once dated a Russian, and now I'm dating a German. His name's Wilhelm Kandel

_Jerry_

Well first you dated a Communist, and now you're dating a Nazi. What's next, a Parliamentarian?

_Elaine_

No he's not a Nazi! He's a candle maker. Where's Kramer?

_George_

Well, you know Kramer. Always preoccupied with something. Get this, the girl I'm dating now, Jessica, is obsessed with cleanliness. She always insists that I take a shower before and after my dates with her. Every time we happen to see each other out on the street and she senses that I haven't taken a shower, she gets onto me. Every time I invite her over to my house, there can't be even a speck of dust around. I might have to break up with her.

_Jerry_

Well every time you have company you have to clean up, George. Even you should know that because of those crazy parents of yours.

_George_

Yeah, I guess so. I guess I'll give it one more shot. What about your date, Jerry?

_Jerry_

Oh, Elizabeth? She's probably one of the best dates I've ever had. She cooks my meals for me, doesn't care if I suck in my gut, doesn't whine or overload me with any of her problems. You name it, she does it.

_Elaine_

Well speaking from a woman's point of view, Jerry, she probably wants something big from you.

_George_

Well, I better get going. My parents are going to be playing Bingo at the nursing home tonight, and I better take my "date shower" for my date with Jessica.

**Act 2, Scene A: Jerry's apartment**

_Jerry is "chilling", and Kramer comes bursting through the door._

_Kramer_

I've got it this time, Jerry! It's called "Kramer's Mystery Candles." It doesn't say what the scent is on the label. But if you guess it right, you win a prize!

_Jerry_

Kramer, that is the most absurd idea you've come up with!First of all, how are you going to afford all of the prizes? Second, there is no such thing as a "contest brand" of anything!

_Kramer_

Well people do like to win stuff.

_Jerry_

Well if you're that interested, Elaine's dating a candle maker. Maybe you can ask him.

_Kramer_

Will do. _(Leaves)_

**Scene B: Elaine's apartment**

_Wilhelm_

When my parents were children during WWII, they were always ostracized by their schoolmates in Gymnasium. People were always calling them Nazis, and saying "Heil Hitler!" as they walked past them.

_Elaine (hugging Wilhelm)_

Oh, I'm so sorry Wilhelm.

_Wilhelm_

That's okay. I'm over that now.

_Kramer bursts in_

_Kramer_

Hey, whoa! Am I interrupting something here, Elaine?

_Elaine_

No, Kramer, that's–

_Kramer _(interrupting Elaine)

Because if it is, I'll just LEAVE right now!

_Elaine_

No, Kramer. Here let me introduce you to my boyfriend. Wilhelm, this is Cosmo Kramer, Kramer, this is Wilhelm Kandel, a candle maker.

_Wilhelm and Kramer shake hands_

_Kramer_

You know Willie, I've been thinking about inventing some candles. Maybe you can help me out, huh?

_Wilhelm_

Sure, Cosmo. I only ask 10 of the profits.

_Kramer_

Done, and done. You know what, a candle maker named Kandel? That's like a pimp named Hooker.

_Wilhelm_

My mother was a prostitute for 13 years to put food on the table because my father was killed by some stupid Americans who thought he was a Nazi.

_Kramer_

Oh, sorry Willie. _(To Elaine) _See you around, Elaine_. (To Wilhelm) _Nice to meet you, Wilhelm.

_Wilhelm_

I'll get on our project as soon as possible, Kramer.

**Scene C: George's house in the bathroom**

_George has just gotten out of the shower, has a towel on and brushing his teeth._

_George_

_Spits out toothpaste. _Now for some deodorant.

_George is looking around the counter top. _I could have sworn, it-it was right here. I just bought some yesterday.

_Thrashes around in the cabinets below the counter top. _WHERE IS IT! WHERE IS IT! WHERE IS IT!

_Finds a basket and throws its contents on the ground: _WHERE IS IT!

_George finds some "Ban for Women" deodorant on the floor._

_George_

Well, it's better than none!

_George then raises his arm to apply the deodorant, looks away with the same disgusted face _

_Show the outside of George's house_

_George_

(screams)

**Scene D: In a candle factory where Wilhelm works**

_Wilhelm is mixing some chemicals in a jar. He then rubs his hands together with an evil smile, and laughs an evil laugh._

_Wilhelm_

That Kramer. Thinks he's so big making fun of my mother. Well just call me Dr. Josef Mengele.

**Scene E: Jerry's house with his date with Elizabeth**

_Jerry_

Well Elizabeth, what shall you cook for me today?

_Elizabeth_

Whatever you say, Master.

_Jerry_

Well, let's have some macaroni and cheese, steak, with hot dogs, and hamburgers. And I want it home-cooked! All of it!

**Scene F: George's house**

_George and Elizabeth are in George's bed._

_George_

Oh man, that was so good. That was great, Jessica.

_Jessica_

You know, I've noticed that there is a speck of dust on that TV over there, but since you vacuumed twice for me, I guess I'll overlook that.

_Jessica starts to sniff._

_Jessica_

George, are you wearing women's deodorant?

_George_

No, (chuckles nervously), why?

_Jessica pulls George's armpit up, and smells it._

_Jessica_

You are! I thought you smelled like a woman while we were making love.

_Jessica slaps George, and leaves._

_George_

Well, at least you didn't have to smell sweat!

_Mr. and Mrs. Costanza come in the front door._

_Estelle_

I was one space away from getting a full house, and you had to remove half of my tiles, Frank!

_Frank_

Estelle, you are so paranoid! I was sitting ten chairs from you! How could I take some of your tiles without getting caught!

_George (calling from his room)_

Hi Ma. Hi Pa.

_Mrs. Costanza goes into the bathroom and notices her deodorant on the counter. She lifts the lid and sees some armpit hairs on it._

_Estelle_

Frank, you didn't use any of my deodorant did you? I found some hairs on it.

_Frank_

No woman! You know I'm not hairy. Even if I was, I used up all of my deodorant today and bought some on the way back.

_Estelle and Frank run into George's room to confront him._

_Estelle_

George, did you use my deodorant?

_George_

Ma, I...

_Frank_

I cannot believe it! My own son? A transvestite? I thought we raised you better than that!

_George_

Well Dad, don't you wear a bra?

_Frank_

It's called the manssiere! And I quit wearing that a long time ago! Just for that and arguing with us, I'm kicking you out of the house until you can come back to your senses.

_Frank pulls George out of bed by his ear, then throws him out of the house while George has nothing but boxer shorts on._

_**Act 3 Scene A: Tom's Diner**_

_George and Jerry are eating at Tom's._

_Jerry_

So you were making love to Jessica, and she smells your armpit?

_George_

Yeah, then she walks out, then my parents literally threw me out of the house when Ma found out about the deodorant.

_Jerry_

What did you do for the rest of the night?

_George_

I beat up some poor homeless person for his clothes, then I went over to Kramer's house. Later tonight when my parents are gone, I'm going to go home to get some of my clothes out of my closet, return these bum clothes, then I'm going to stay at Kramer's house for a while.

_Jerry_

Those are bum clothes? You know, you could have asked to borrow some of Kramer's clothes.

_George_

Kramer's clothes? Those clothes are too skinny for me! They make me look fat! Plus you might as well wear clothes you washed in the sewer.

_Jerry_

Oh yeah, I never thought about that. You know, that's pretty disgusting sniffing somebody's armpit. I heard that's how they test deodorants. Shoe deodorizers too.

_Kramer comes in with a bag in his hand_

_George_

Hey Kramer, thanks for letting me stay at your house.

_Kramer_

No problemo Jorge. Don't even worry about rent because of that candle deal I have.

_George_

What candle deal?

_Jerry_

Oh, it's another one of Kramer's crazy ideas, you wouldn't be interested.

_Kramer_

These candles. I got them just now. If people can guess the smell of the candle, they win a prize. Want one Jerry? It's free.

_Jerry_

Sure why not? I guess I'll use it during my date with Elizabeth.

**Scene B: Elaine's Apartment**

_Wilhelm_

That Kramer, I hate him so much. I played a trick on him. Those candles he made me make, they smell like poo.

_Elaine_

Yeah, I know. Jerry, George and Kramer once did "The Voice" and it sounded just like when you said "smell like poo." It drove me nuts. _(grabs Wilhelm by the shirt)_ And if you ever say that phrase again I'll kill you! Do you understand me?

_Wilhelm_

Jawol. Crystal clear.

_Elaine_

Good. Now I'm going to go to the bathroom, and don't let me hear that phrase again while I'm in the bathroom.

_Elaine leaves to go to the bathroom_

_Wilhelm_

Smells like poo. _(Laughs)_

_Elaine_

I heard that!

_Elaine comes out of the bathroom, there's a knock on the door, and Elaine answers it._

_Policewoman at the door_

Good afternoon ma'am, I'm Private Inspector Margot Kandel. _(Shows Elaine her badge.)_

_Wilhelm hides in the bathroom._

_Elaine_

Oh, hello Officer, what's wrong?

_Officer Kandel_

We have reports of a fugitive being held here. Do you recognize this man? _(shows Elaine a picture of Wilhelm)_

_Elaine (V.O)_

What is this woman doing? Trying to take my man away from me, that's what!

_Elaine_

No, Officer, he's not here. Never heard of this man.

_Officer Kandel_

Well, if you think of anything, here's my card. _(gives Elaine her business card)_. Feel free to contact me anytime.

_Elaine_

Oh, thanks. I hope you crack the case of whatever it is.

_Officer Kandel_

Thanks for your time.

_The officer leaves and Elaine closes the door._

_Wilhelm comes out of the bathroom._

_Wilhelm_

Don't go in there Elaine. Smells like poo!

_Elaine runs over to Wilhelm and slaps him a couple of times._

_Elaine_

Did I tell you that I like toilet humor?

_Wilhelm_

No

_Elaine_

Did I tell you that voice turns me on?

_Wilhelm_

No

_Elaine_

Then get out of my apartment! I'm through with you!

_Wilhelm leaves_

**Scene C: Kramer's Apartment**

_George_

I'm kind of glad that my parents kicked me out of the house. It's nice not to listen to hear them yell, scream and argue.

_Kramer_

Yeah, you said it buddy. Your parents are a bunch of queers. Say, do you want to try one of my candles?

_George_

Sure, why not?

_Kramer goes into the kitchen to get some matches, then goes into the living room to get a candle. Kramer lights a match, and it burns his thumb, so he throws it on the ground, stomps on it and sucks his thumb._

_George_

Awww. Does Baby Cosmo's thumb hurt?

_Kramer_

Shut up George.

_Kramer tries for a second time to light the candle and succeeds._

_Kramer_

You know there's nothing like a good old candle to help your house smell good.

_George and Kramer start to get wide-eyed._

_George_

What the heck is that smell?

_Kramer_

It smells like crap George.

_George_

Oh my gosh it is crap! Where's the toilet!

_Kramer_

Oh, no, I'm the owner of this house. You're just renting.

_George_

You said I'll stay here for free.

_Kramer_

Well I guess I lied.

**Scene C: Jerry's Apartment**

_Elizabeth_

So, Jerry, do you want regular chicken or spicy?

_Jerry_

How about you make both of them, slave! _Laughs evilly_

_Elizabeth_

Sure, whatever you say boss.

_Jerry lights one of Kramer's candles, and goes over to Elizabeth._

_Jerry_

You know what I like about you Elizabeth? You know how to please a man.

_Jerry begins to kiss her but stops because he smells the candle._

_Elizabeth_

What is that smell? Is that sewerage?

_Jerry_

I don't know, I...

_Elizabeth(cuts him off)_

I might be really manipulative Jerry, but one thing I will not stand for is a house that smells like crap!

_Elizabeth slaps him and leaves._

_Kramer and George come running into Jerry's house_

_Kramer_

Those candles that Wilhelm helped make–they smell like crap!

_Jerry_

Well tell me something I don't know, Kramer. You gave me one of these candles too.

_Kramer_

Oh yeah, I forgot. Oh man! Now I can smell your candle.

_George_

Alright, now let's calm down! Let's go outside to get away from all of this crap!

_Jerry_

We'll have to check into a motel somewhere. I can't live in a stinky apartment!

_George_

My parents kicked me out of the house, so I'll have to go too.

**Act 4: Scene A–Tom's Diner**

_Jerry and the group are eating._

_Elaine_

You know, it's the weirdest thing yesterday, a cop showed up at my apartment yesterday, and wanted to talk to Wilhelm.

_Jerry_

Well Elaine, you've always had a taste for bad boys didn't you? You dated me.

_Elaine_

You're bad? That's like saying Ghandi was the worst mass murderer in history.

_Jerry_

Well your boyfriend Wilhelm commited white collar crime. Those candles that he made smell like sewerage. Now George, Kramer and I are living in a hotel.

_Elaine_

Wait a minute–that cop, her name was Kandel too! Wilhelm was using me to cheat on her. Not only that, he used that same voice all of you made up, and he used it bragging about the candles. Man, that's so irritating!

_Jerry(in "the voice)_

Smells like poo! Ha, ha, ha!

_George_

Smells like poo! Ha, ha, ha!

_Kramer_

Smells like poo! Ha, ha, ha!

_Elaine_

That's enough! One more outburst, and I'm out of here!

_Jerry_

I've always wondered if Superman used Wonder Woman to cheat on Lois Lane.

_George_

Probably, since Superman and Wonder Woman aren't human and Lois is. _Kramer_

Hey Elaine, do you want to get revenge on Wilhelm too?

_Elaine_

Sure, why not. I still have that business card from the cop, I'll go call her right now. _(Leaves to use the pay phone)_

_George_

I say that we do exactly what he did to us!

_Jerry_

No, the cop will probably arrest us for taking the law into our hands.

_Elaine_

_comes back _Well, we have an appointment with Officer Kandel at 3:00.

_George_

Hey Kramer, do you still have some of those candles? I might have a use for them.

_Kramer_

What for?

**Scene B: The Costanzas' house**

_Frank_

_(hugging Estelle) _Oh, my love, I love you like chocolate.

_Estelle_

Now that George is gone, we can finally have some time to ourselves again.

_Frank_

Great! I'll pour us some champagne, and put on some Tony Bennett.

_Estelle_

I'll light some candles to put us in the mood. _Lights a candle._

_George is outside looking in his house with binoculars giggling._

_Frank is dancing with Estelle with a wine glass in his hand. _

_Frank sniffs._

_Frank_

What is that despicable smell? Is that sewerage? Did you bring home another stray cat!

_Estelle_

No, I'm allergic to cats. I don't know where it's coming from. The plumbing is fine, and...oh my gosh, it's the candle!

_The phone rings, and Frank answers it._

_Frank_

Hello?

_George (on the phone)_

Hello, Pa. Did you like the Christmas gift I sent you?

_Frank_

You did this? Why!

_George_

Because you kicked me out of the house for no reason.

_Frank_

Yes, I did have a reason. You put on your mother's deodorant.

_George_

Did it ever occur to you that I ran out of my own?

_Frank_

Well you could have bought some of your own, George.

_George_

Look, the point is that if you don't let me back in the house, I will let that candle burn, and if you blow it out, I will have you arrested for child endangerment.

_Frank_

What? You're an adult!

_George_

Well you kicked your own child out of the house naked.

_Frank_

Okay, you got me. Come back home George.

_George_

Don't blow out the candle until I come in the house

_Hangs up._

_Frank_

Estelle I'm sorry, but I have to let George back home.

_Estelle_

Why? That's not the man I married. The man I married would not suck up.

_Frank_

George was going to turn me into the police for kicking him out of the house.

_George comes in the door._

_George_

If any of you ever do anything like that to me again, let me remind you, I still have the candle. _Blows the candle out, and takes it to his room._

**Scene C: The Police Department**

_Officer Kandel_

Hello, Ms. Benes. How can I help you today?

_Elaine_

My friends have candles tainted by your husband, and would like to turn him in.

_Officer Kandel_

How did you know he was my husband?

_Elaine_

The last name.

_Ofc. Kandel_

So you do know him! I thought that was him in your apartment. That's obstruction of justice.

_Jerry_

But he cheated on you, Officer! Don't you want revenge?

_Ofc. Kandel_

Okay! Now where are those candles?

_Kramer gives her the candles._

_Wilhelm comes in the door and gets down on his knees before his wife._

_Ofc. Kandel_

Look what the cat dragged in.

_Wilhelm_

Margot, I'm sorry that I cheated on you. Will you forgive me?

_Ofc. Kandel_

I forgave you so many times, I've lost count, and it's not even funny anymore. Now, it's your turn to get screwed.

**Act 4: In prison**

_Prisoner (to Wilhelm who's cell is beside his)_

Hey, Oscar Schindler. Oscar Schindler. Talk to me, boy. I know you're there, I hear you breathing. Don't you listen to these nitwits, do you hear me? This place ain't so bad.

_Wilhelm_

No!

_Prisoner_

Tell you what, I'll introduce you around, make you feel right at home. I know a couple of bull queer WWI and WWII veterans that would just love to make your acquaintance. Especially that big German butt of yours.

_Wilhelm (sobbing)_

No! No! I don't belong here! I want to go home! I want my wife! I want to go back to Germany!

_Prisoner_

And it's Oscar Schindler by a nose!


End file.
